I am very sleepy tonight, so this letter will be relatively brief. This morning I went to a WRAP class. We covered two topics: daily maintenance plan as well as triggers. The class ended at 11, and I immediately headed over to your house.
When I got there, only Christian was home. Rihanna is going to a church camp this week, so she stays there until noon. I thought of you and snacked on a slice of sourdough bread. Toasted and buttered, of course. Your family has to keep the sourdough bread in the freezer now because you aren’t around to eat it all up. Christian and I picked up where we left off on Vampire Knight. Soon after, Rihanna made it home. She was super excited that I was over. She ran in the door calling my name and jumped into my arms. The three of us binge watched the anime until your dad got home and took Rihanna to ballet.
At that point, there were only two episodes left in the anime, so Christian and I finished it up. Dad isn’t too happy about Christian watching lots of anime lately, so I went ahead and washed the dishes while Christian went in the backyard to pick the ripe raspberries. We learned something about squash. I guess you are supposed to pick them at 4 inches. Well, your squash are super sized. One grew into the fence. It broke when Christian tried to harvest it.
Anyway, later we watched some videos on YouTube, ate some pancakes, and then started watching The Emperor’s New Groove. It was an initiation of sorts. Of the three most important movies to your family, that is the only one I have not watched with you or the family. Christian can’t believe you didn’t have me watch it already because all of you quote it so frequently. During the movie, your mother arrived home early from her trip. We are both wanting to do something special for your birthday, we just don’t know what.
I left after the movie to head home. I am glad I finally had the chance to watch it, and that I was able to see it with Christian. Now I will at last understand the references! I did some chores here at home, painted my nails a new color, showered, and now I am writing to you.
I felt pretty sad after being home for only a few minutes. I felt extremely lonely. It didn’t feel like home at all. I wanted to be any place but in my own home. I cried and sat with the negative feelings for awhile. They came to pass, as emotions always do. I wish you had been able to realize that at the time you made the decision to end your life. Whatever you were feeling in that moment-sadness, hopelessness, despair- it was not going to last forever. These things come and they go. If only you could have seen it at the time, maybe you would still be alive.
I kick myself for not having this knowledge before. Had I known these things, I could have saved you! Today, out in the backyard, I stood only yards away from where I saw you hanging. And I was uneasy, scared. I was afraid to look and see you there again. There was nothing Laythe about that corpse.
Just now, I remembered I have to pay the equity line tomorrow. You know what I said to myself? “I’ll ask Laythe to remind me.” It was automatic, and it threw me off when I forced myself to acknowledge that you cannot do that for me ever again. I am on my own now. Can you see me? Do you know how much I hurt every day? Can you feel my loneliness? It might just be one of those nights where I lay in my bed and beg you to come back or ask God to take me so I don’t hurt the ones I love if I were to follow your example.
Oh yeah.. I forgot my bear at home today. It feels unnatural to drive without it seated in my lap. I went all day without it, and I did not like that one bit. I will not be forgetting Teddy Laythe tomorrow. I am going to stop here tonight, baby. I need to rest. I love you. And, if you ever wonder, I am not mad at you. I know it was a difficult choice to make, I know you didn’t want to hurt anyone, and I know you must have been carrying a lot of pain in your heart. I am sorry I failed as a girlfriend.