My dear Laythe,
Today marks six months since you decided to leave this earth. I know it has been awhile since I have written to you. I guess I am still struggling with denial. I still think about you every day, that has not changed. Sometimes when I am missing you, I use your shampoo- sparingly because I want to save it for as long as possible- to get your familiar scent. It brings me comfort. Your toothpaste still sits in it’s proper place in your sink drawer. I still go to sleep holding Teddy Laythe. I haven’t been sleeping with your T-shirts only because it has been so hot at night lately. All in all, not much has changed since I last wrote to you, besides the fact I started school a few weeks ago. That has put me under tremendous stress. My anxiety has rocketed back to it’s old levels. It feels as though all the gains I made in therapy have reverted to zero. I am doing my best despite my anxiety and depression.
I wish you were here. Every day, more and more, I wish I could just talk to you again. I miss my best friend and partner. You can find me alone at home most of the time that I am not at school. If I’m not doing homework, I sit around anxious about what exams and homework assignments are coming up. I pace a lot. I get antsy. This house is very empty without you. I still avoid cooking. I’m trying to be vegetarian at home. It’s less involved and easier for me right now since I lack the drive to cook. I miss cooking for you, Laythe. You know it gave me such pleasure and fulfillment to see you enjoy the meals I prepared for you. And I associate eating dinner together with watching anime. That still is not the same for me. I only watch animes that Christian suggests I see, and even those take time for me to watch all the way through.
Something else that has happened since I last wrote was the birth of your niece. Vye and Rebekah named her Emma. I haven’t had the opportunity to see the baby in person, but I have seen pictures on Facebook. She is so darling. You would be such a proud uncle.
I wish with all my heart you could take back your decision. I hate how permanent and final this is. It really is not fair. I am sure you would reconsider if you could. I have been having suicidal thoughts off and on. My mom told me I have to think because you didn’t think it through, and she is right. This is one of the few times I will ever agree with my mother.
I want you back home, my handsome. Time has helped mend me some, but missing you will never go away. I will always miss you. My love for you will always remain as well. I cared about you so much. Maybe it didn’t seem that way at times. I got after you because I cared. I got upset out of worry because I cared. I did not always know the right way to communicate this to you. I am so sorry for that. I wish I could have done better back then. Being able to do better now isn’t much consolation. I find myself mentally kicking myself for you. By that I mean, what goes through my head is,”I can’t believe he did that, and why didn’t I see it.” I am pretty sure this is something that will also stick with me for the rest of my life.
I find it interesting how our mind’s protective instincts help us to move forward. Right after your suicide, I was devastated, frantic, guilt-ridden. I didn’t see myself ever getting beyond that. A person simply cannot sustain that sheer amount of mental stress for too long. I am still devastated by what happened, but not in that same debilitating manner. I think about it, and my heart sinks, my mood drops, but I can still carry on. I don’t break down in tears. I do need to cry sometimes, though. I usually call up my sister or stepdad or mom if I am missing you and need to let out some of my sadness through tears and verbal expression.
I am not mad at you. I am sad you are gone. Very sad. I miss you so much. I’m not trying to idolize you, but the more I see and experience, the more I feel you were such a gem. I mean it, Laythe. You were amazing. I want you to know that. I love you, sweetheart. I hope you are happy wherever you may be. I hope you check in with me in some tangible way one day soon. Another dream would be nice, or a visit from a persistent butterfly. Or you can surprise me, that will work, too.
Good night, love. Muah!