11.06.14

Eight months is coming up in a few days. I have been missing you a lot lately. I wish we could talk. I wish I could shoot you a text and get a response. You are a missing piece in my life. I wish I could find you and put you back where you belong. On Sunday, I am doing another walk with Joanne and Thanos. This time it will be the Save A Life Community Walk for suicide prevention and awareness. The reason I walk will always be for you, my handsome. You are so important to me. I will never forget what happened and all that I lost on that day. You have changed me forever.

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Out of the Darkness

Hi honey,

Yesterday was the walk for suicide prevention. I am very glad I went. I purchased a new shirt to support the cause, as well as a water bottle and button. I also preordered a different shirt. Joanne and Thanos walked with me; their support was very appreciated. They walked to honor you as well. I posted a picture of you in the remembrance tent.

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I had the chance to hear quite a few other stories about others who have lost their loved ones. There was such a huge turnout. So many other people who, like me, have been touched by suicide. I was given beads: red, blue, and green. Red represented losing a partner, blue represented being a supporter of the cause, and green is for those who struggle with mental illness. I am saving them as a momento.

Right now, I am at Tabby’s. She should be arriving soon. It is her birthday today! Later tonight, I will be driving back to San Diego. Hopefully, my anxiety isn’t too bad for the drive. Please watch over me if you can. I love you.

Yours,
Alex

10.17.14

Dear Laythe,

I was studying just now and came across a passage in my text. It describes depression in behavioral psychology terms. I thought I would share it with you because the example given fits perfectly.

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I love you, handsome. Tomorrow, I am participating in the Out of the Darkness walk. Joanne and Thanos will be joining me for support and to honor you as well. I will be taking a photo of you to post in the remembrance tent. I will try to take pictures so I can show you. I’m going to get back to my studies now. Miss you!

Lovingly yours,
Alex

10.09.14

Hey Laythe,

Remember this song?

There May Be Tears

I cried my eyes out to this song one day, and you were there to comfort me. I miss you so much right now. I told you I would update you about my presentation. It went well, easier than I anticipated. Now I have a challenging expressive take home midterm for ASL that I am stressed about. It doesn’t end. Sigh. This weekend is going to be a long one preparing for 3 midterms next week, plus finishing this expressive portion. I have to keep reminding myself that my value is not based on my performance in school. I hope one day I come to truly accept that fact. I have therapy on Monday which is probably a good thing going into midterms. I love you. I know if you were here you would be supporting me 100%. It would be nice to see you in a dream again as it had been quite a long time. Again, I love you and I miss you. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy, well, and smiling that bright smile of yours.

Love,
Alex

Seven Months

Dear Laythe,

Today marks another month that has come and passed since your voluntary departure from this world. I spent a lot of time today listening to music we used to listen together. It helps me feel closer to you. I imagine you are listening along with me and watching me make a fool of myself dancing around and singing. I wish I had actually let loose more when you were here. I was too embarrassed to do that before.

I don’t have much to say at the moment. I am pretty stressed out and anxious about a presentation I have to give tomorrow morning for ASL. Wish me luck. I will let you know how it went.

My stepdad is going to come over now because he knows I’m feeling down and out of sorts. I know you’d be glad that I have company. I’ve been alone too often lately.

I love you, Laythe. I miss you very much. I think about you multiple times a day. Rarely are you far from my thoughts. Your name echoes in my head as do my memories of you. You are loved and missed.

Sincerely,
Alex

09.29.14

Dear Laythe,

I went for a walk tonight and thought about you. The last time I was there, I was with you in my car listening to music. I probably shouldn’t have been out walking alone so late, but part of me felt like you were watching over me and that it would be okay. I miss you very much, honey.

Yesterday, I went to my stepbrother’s birthday dinner. I had been uneasy about it because of the fact it was at the exact same restaurant as last year. You had been with me there for it last year. I even remember where we parked and the conversations we had. My lock screen on my phone is a picture my stepdad had taken at that restaurant last year. Here is the picture. Do you remember it? You bought me that dress, and you wore the shirt I ordered for you.

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I tried, but I ended up crying quite a bit. Everyone was understanding, though, and said they were glad I had come anyway. I miss you so very much. I don’t think you understand the depth of my devastation. It may not look like it now that almost 7 months have passed, I carry myself better now, but there is still a lot of unresolved sadness and pain. I need to get some sleep now to be prepared for class in the morning, so I’ll let you go.

Love you,
Alex

09.26.14

Dear Laythe,

I was just making my schedule for tomorrow and opened up my email to find this little gem in the Survivors of Suicide Loss announcements:

Grief never ends… but it changes.
It’s a passage not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith.
It is the price of love.
~Author Unknown~

It really speaks to me and it is so true. I continue to grieve for you and I wouldn’t change it for anything. If I were to wish it away, I would be wishing that I never loved you. I never plan on letting go of the love I have for you. My love will change over the years, as it has gradually changed over these months, but it will always remain. I love you my handsome man.

I slept over at your family’s house yesterday. Christian, Rihanna and I slept together. We had a good time. I got to see Mom, too. Dad is away on business. I was able to help Christian with some of her math homework today, so I was glad about that. Now, it’s time for me to start winding down because I have a Deaf event I will be attending in the morning. Wish you could come and join me. Love you, sweetheart.

Yours,
Alex