I remember when you used to do this for me.
Yesterday was the walk for suicide prevention. I am very glad I went. I purchased a new shirt to support the cause, as well as a water bottle and button. I also preordered a different shirt. Joanne and Thanos walked with me; their support was very appreciated. They walked to honor you as well. I posted a picture of you in the remembrance tent.
I had the chance to hear quite a few other stories about others who have lost their loved ones. There was such a huge turnout. So many other people who, like me, have been touched by suicide. I was given beads: red, blue, and green. Red represented losing a partner, blue represented being a supporter of the cause, and green is for those who struggle with mental illness. I am saving them as a momento.
Right now, I am at Tabby’s. She should be arriving soon. It is her birthday today! Later tonight, I will be driving back to San Diego. Hopefully, my anxiety isn’t too bad for the drive. Please watch over me if you can. I love you.
I was studying just now and came across a passage in my text. It describes depression in behavioral psychology terms. I thought I would share it with you because the example given fits perfectly.
I love you, handsome. Tomorrow, I am participating in the Out of the Darkness walk. Joanne and Thanos will be joining me for support and to honor you as well. I will be taking a photo of you to post in the remembrance tent. I will try to take pictures so I can show you. I’m going to get back to my studies now. Miss you!
Remember this song?
I cried my eyes out to this song one day, and you were there to comfort me. I miss you so much right now. I told you I would update you about my presentation. It went well, easier than I anticipated. Now I have a challenging expressive take home midterm for ASL that I am stressed about. It doesn’t end. Sigh. This weekend is going to be a long one preparing for 3 midterms next week, plus finishing this expressive portion. I have to keep reminding myself that my value is not based on my performance in school. I hope one day I come to truly accept that fact. I have therapy on Monday which is probably a good thing going into midterms. I love you. I know if you were here you would be supporting me 100%. It would be nice to see you in a dream again as it had been quite a long time. Again, I love you and I miss you. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy, well, and smiling that bright smile of yours.
Today marks another month that has come and passed since your voluntary departure from this world. I spent a lot of time today listening to music we used to listen together. It helps me feel closer to you. I imagine you are listening along with me and watching me make a fool of myself dancing around and singing. I wish I had actually let loose more when you were here. I was too embarrassed to do that before.
I don’t have much to say at the moment. I am pretty stressed out and anxious about a presentation I have to give tomorrow morning for ASL. Wish me luck. I will let you know how it went.
My stepdad is going to come over now because he knows I’m feeling down and out of sorts. I know you’d be glad that I have company. I’ve been alone too often lately.
I love you, Laythe. I miss you very much. I think about you multiple times a day. Rarely are you far from my thoughts. Your name echoes in my head as do my memories of you. You are loved and missed.
I went for a walk tonight and thought about you. The last time I was there, I was with you in my car listening to music. I probably shouldn’t have been out walking alone so late, but part of me felt like you were watching over me and that it would be okay. I miss you very much, honey.
Yesterday, I went to my stepbrother’s birthday dinner. I had been uneasy about it because of the fact it was at the exact same restaurant as last year. You had been with me there for it last year. I even remember where we parked and the conversations we had. My lock screen on my phone is a picture my stepdad had taken at that restaurant last year. Here is the picture. Do you remember it? You bought me that dress, and you wore the shirt I ordered for you.
I tried, but I ended up crying quite a bit. Everyone was understanding, though, and said they were glad I had come anyway. I miss you so very much. I don’t think you understand the depth of my devastation. It may not look like it now that almost 7 months have passed, I carry myself better now, but there is still a lot of unresolved sadness and pain. I need to get some sleep now to be prepared for class in the morning, so I’ll let you go.
I was just making my schedule for tomorrow and opened up my email to find this little gem in the Survivors of Suicide Loss announcements:
Grief never ends… but it changes.
It’s a passage not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith.
It is the price of love.
It really speaks to me and it is so true. I continue to grieve for you and I wouldn’t change it for anything. If I were to wish it away, I would be wishing that I never loved you. I never plan on letting go of the love I have for you. My love will change over the years, as it has gradually changed over these months, but it will always remain. I love you my handsome man.
I slept over at your family’s house yesterday. Christian, Rihanna and I slept together. We had a good time. I got to see Mom, too. Dad is away on business. I was able to help Christian with some of her math homework today, so I was glad about that. Now, it’s time for me to start winding down because I have a Deaf event I will be attending in the morning. Wish you could come and join me. Love you, sweetheart.
Tonight I really just want to die. School is too much. I can’t handle it. The beta blocker isn’t working. I am crying right now, borderline hysterical. I need you so much right now. Where the heck are you? Please, I need you. Come back, Laythe. I don’t know what to do. Help me, please.
I miss you. I donated blood today, and it didn’t go so well. I was able to complete the donation, but halfway through my body was not taking it so well. I wish you had been there with me. Afterwards, I nearly passed out and ended up throwing up a couple of times. They lied me down on the floor and put ice packs all over my face and neck because I was burning up and sweating bullets. I guess I went very pale. I don’t think I will be donating blood again for awhile. Something similar happened the last time I donated also. I wonder why that happens now.
I also went to see Dr. Allen today. He is taking me off of Seroquel and putting me on a beta blocker instead. It should really help my anxiety. The way it works is it blocks the body from absorbing adrenaline, at least that’s what I gathered from his explanation. I am willing to try to anything at this point. I really hope it helps me.
I am stressing about next week’s exams. I really hope I do well. I’m afraid because the exams are such a huge part of my grade. I know worrying over it isn’t going to make anything better, but I just can’t help it. I’m looking forward to going back to therapy. Maybe Dr. Hahn will be able to help me overcome my issues surrounding school and perfectionism. I guess we shall see.
I’m very tired tonight, love. I think I am going to go to sleep early. I need to be up at 5am to get ready for school anyway. I really miss you and wish you were here. I miss being able to talk to you about my day and hearing about yours. I miss the sound of your voice, your laugh, your smile, your hugs. I wish things didn’t end up this way. I wish you had chose life instead. I don’t love you any less, though. I’m sure you were confused and in a lot of pain. Wherever you are, I hope that pain is gone. I love you, my handsome.
I really missed you today. I wore my The Color Morale T-shirt to school that says “Hold On Pain Ends” because it is Suicide Prevention Week. I hope some people on campus received the message. I’m under a lot of stress right now. I have a challenging take-home quiz and a video project from ASL, and two psychology exams coming up. I briefly entertained the idea of offing myself to be able to avoid the stress altogether. I am going to push through.
I stopped going to therapy a couple months back, but I really think I need to return to my sessions. I have not been attending my support groups either. I called Dr. Hahn today and left him a message. Hopefully, I will be able to be seen soon. The suicidal ideation is a bad sign and is becoming worrisome. The sooner I can deal with it, the better off I will be. Additionally, I think I need better coping skills to deal with the anxiety and stress of school because I clearly am not managing well with the tools I have now.
Lately, I have been missing you more and more. It feels like a dull sadness that stays with me all day, coupled with a mild sinking feeling in my chest. I miss you terribly. I wish I could hear your comforting voice and feel your arms around me to help calm my nerves. I would kill for one of your daily back massages. I don’t want one from just any person, I want to feel your hands on me again, your touch. I long for you, my handsome. How do I come to terms with the fact that you will never again exist as a physical being in my lifetime? I don’t know the answer. I don’t even know how to adequately express how much I miss you. Words are so limiting. I hope you can understand. I love you so much. Please give me the comfort I need to deal with the present. I can’t do it alone. I hate that I am this way, Laythe. You know that better than anybody. I’m starting to cry again. I just want a sign that you aren’t completely gone. Is that silly of me? I felt your presence a couple times before, but I feel like I am not as in tune anymore. I want to feel you around me again. I know I miss you, but do you miss me at all? I’ll leave you with that question. I probably won’t get an answer any time soon, but I guess that is just how things are going to be from now on. Good night, sweetheart.